I was reading an article, which was written by D.W. Winnicott in 1949, and had to laugh. Mixed in there with lots of detailed analysis that I won’t go into, is a list of the reasons that mothers hate their babies. I thought the list was rather brave, seeing that it was written in 1949, and – dare I say it – accurate. Here are some of the reasons he listed:

• He is suspicious, refuses her good food, and makes her doubt herself, but eats well with his aunt.
• After an awful morning with him she goes out, and he smiles at a stranger, who says: ‘Isn’t he sweet!’
• His excited love is cupboard love, so that having got what he wants he throws her away like orange peel.
• The baby at first must dominate, he must be protected from coincidences, life must unfold at the baby’s rate and all this needs his mother’s continuous and detailed study. For instance, she must not be anxious when holding him, etc.
• If she fails him at the start she knows he will pay her out for ever.
• He shows disillusionment about her.
• He tries to hurt her, periodically bites her, all in love.
• The baby hurts her nipples even by suckling, which is at first a chewing activity.
• The baby is an interference with her private life, a challenge to preoccupation.
• He is ruthless, treats her as scum, an unpaid servant, a slave.

There are others, but I think I’ll stop here!

I don’t know about you, but in my experience, hate was not something you were supposed to feel toward your child. But I felt it quite early, when my daughter reversed day and night and needed to be held and bounced from 3PM-7AM straight. I wanted to throw her out the window! But I didn’t particularly want to admit it.

I find that my clients are rather relieved to be able to talk about how much they resent – and even hate – their kids at least some of the time. How relieved they are to find out that it’s not only normal, but also appropriate and to be expected. I first read Winnicott’s article before I had my daughter, but only after being a mom did the list make sense.

BTW: The list is from Winnicott’s article: Hate and the Counter-transference.