Scene 1: You and your partner are finally going out on ‘date night’ (or you are leaving your child at day care, or going to the gym, to meet a friend, to work, etc.). Your trusted sitter arrives and takes your child from your arms. Your child begins to cry inconsolably and reaches out towards you to be held. You diligently retrieve your child while your heart and mind race:
Should I leave? Am I hurting my child if I go? What should I do?
Scene 2: You are at home with your baby/toddler trying to get dinner prepared. You put your child into her bouncy seat — a place she has always enjoyed — and walk away. You are stopped in your tracks by your child’s cries. Her arms outstretched, you realize she wants to be held. You pick up your child and attempt to make dinner with her sitting on your hip. When it is time to set the table, you put her on the floor with her favorite toys. By the time you have reached the cabinet, she is crying again. It may seem sweet that she wants you so much, but you are ready to pull your hair out. You think:
Can’t she stay out of my arms for even a moment so I can get something — anything — done?
Ring any bells?
If it does, do not worry! Your child is experiencing separation anxiety. A ‘normal’, yet often challenging, phase in a child’s development. Your little angel, who once delighted in everyone’s touch, now screams bloody murder if held by anyone but you.
What’s a mother to do?
Step 1: Put yourself in your child’s shoes and understand what’s going on:
3-4 Months (‘Early Separation Anxiety): When he is between 3 and 4 months, your baby makes a major cognitive leap: he learns that you are YOU and realizes that mommy is more important than ANYONE (except, perhaps, daddy). Your baby considers anybody who is not you a ‘stranger’ and, even if the ‘stranger’ is a favorite grandma, baby-sitter, or friend, that ‘stranger’ is no substitute for mommy!
7-9 Months (‘Classic’ Separation Anxiety): At this age, babies are beginning to crawl (away) and while it may be exciting to explore new frontiers, it is also frightening to be autonomous and away from home base (mommy). The psychoanalyst, Margaret Mahler, refers to this phase of a baby’s first pulling away from the mommy-baby dyad as ‘hatching’. As your baby hatches out of her shell, she needs to return to you to replenish her feelings of security and well being.
10 Months and Beyond: Children often experience separation anxiety for many years, although it is not necessarily intense all the time. Changes in routines and developmental leaps often make children fearful and insecure, so they cling to there mothers for safety, reassurance and comfort. For these reasons, separation anxiety often occurs when a child is experiencing something new (e.g., going to preschool, staying at grandma’s all by herself, spending time with a new sitter or friend, etc).
Step 2: Make it easier for your child
A child clings to her mother, not sure of what — if any — distance feels safe. She often recoils and cries when in another person’s arms. Your child needs sensitivity, reassurance and support through these challenging periods.
She may need:
• To be held and soothed more often.
• Extra cuddling at night.
• More frequent time at your breast.
• Slower transitions before leave-takings (have your caregiver arrive at least 30 minutes early).
• To be involved in mommy-baby goodbyes (e.g., ‘Mommy’s going now. Say bye-bye. Wave to mommy”).
• You to be confident – not guilty and ambivalent – about leaving.
Communicate to your child that both you and he not only can tolerate the unease of separation, but also enjoy your time apart. Many moms feel guilty about leaving, communicate their discomfort to their child, and make saying ‘bye, bye’ even harder.
Step 3: Stay on your child’s side
When dealing with a displeased, hurt or offended ‘stranger’:
• Try not to force your child to be sociable.
• Explain your child’s behavior to the offended person.
• When possible, warn people in advance of your child’s possible reaction.
• Let your child cling if she needs to.
• Reassure your child that he is safe, that mommy is here, and that everything is okay.
• Ask friends and family not to focus on your child when they first see her, so that she can become accustomed to the new person without feeling in jeopardy.
Step 4: Take Care of Your Self
Continue to tend to and take care of your SELF during these periods. Your child will not be harmed by your periodic absences. Indeed, time apart may benefit both you and your child. Like all mothers, you need to replenish your resources and nourish your own well being. Doing so will make you even more available to your child, and better able to meet her needs.
Your child will also gain when he learns that people other than mommy can come to his aid.
Remember: This too shall pass. Although separation anxiety occurs throughout childhood, it usually settles down in the child’s second to third year. At this time, your child has the ability to learn from the past and to anticipate the future. She has experienced your many departures and your many returns. Your child can use this information to cope more calmly during your times apart.
