As you may already know, most moms state that ‘marital difficulties’ are the number one challenge they face. But what you may not know is how your partner feels about your post-child relationship. Recently, I decided to speak to some dads about what they were experiencing emotionally since their children were born.

Here’s what some said:

• I feel useless – like a third wheel.
• When my wife butts in and grabs our daughter away from me, it makes me feel like I’m totally inept.
• Watching my wife give birth totally freaked me out. I can’t get the image out of my head.
• I feel jealous of how much time and attention she gives to our son, especially since she doesn’t give any to me anymore.
• I am anxious about how I’m going to make ends meet now that I have to provide for a family.
• I feel frustrated because she never wants to have sex and we never spend time together.
• I miss my wife.
• I feel like we can’t have sex because her breasts are the baby’s territory.
• She constantly corrects me when I’m taking care of the baby, as if everything I do is wrong.
• We never talk about anything interesting any more — all my wife is concerned about is our daughter.
• I feel like we just can’t communicate anymore, and even if we could it’s not like we spend any time together, so it’s a moot point.

What’s a mom to do?

Step 1. Find out what, in particular, your partner is feeling and then take a moment to acknowledge that, no matter how painful or upsetting your partner’s feelings may be, knowing the truth is always better than living dishonestly.

Step 2. Don’t underestimate how challenging the transition to fatherhood may be. Just like you, your partner has many adjustments to make.

Step 3. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

How would it feel if:

• Your baby was grabbed away when you were trying to soothe him or her?
• You can’t talk to or spend time with your partner because all of his attention is on his child?
• You are consumed with worries about how to make ends meet?
• You keep envisioning the horrible pain that your partner was in during labor?
• You feel like you’re incompetent and can’t take care of your own child?

Step 4. Once you’ve spent some time seeing things from your partner’s point of view, ask yourself:

How can I best support my partner while he moves through these challenging feelings?

If he feels inept and useless . . . butt out and give him the gift of learning to care for your baby (even if it means that your baby will shed a few tears)

If he feels jealous and left out . . . remember the 3 “Rs”:

Realize: That what your partner misses is you. How great that your partner loves you so much!

 Remember: Making time for your partner (a weekly date, snuggle time without the baby, time to talk and engage) will make your marriage more healthy and strong.

Recall: That before baby, your partner was your #1 love. Spend some time alone together and you may just remember how good it (and he) feels. 

If he’s having trouble recovering from watching you give birth . . .

Refrain from taking his feelings personally.

- 
Support him to share his feelings with you or a friend.
- 
Give him time to work through his emotions.
- Encourage him to speak to a trained therapist if he needs professional help and support.
- If he feels pressure about providing for your family . . . remind him that you and he are a team:

 Together you can create strategies both to cut down his anxiety and to live within your means.

Step 5. Remember to validate your partner’s feelings and to treat him with compassion, understanding and love.

Most important: Refrain from trying to “fix” your partner and from getting rid of what he feels. Rather, be patient, compassionate and loving. Your partner has resilience and strength: validate him as he moves forward and continues to find his way.

* Note: I in no way mean to imply that all moms do all of the things I list or that all dads feel all of ways I describe above.